How do I adult?

Graduation is 9 days away!! ahhh! I cannot contain my excitement. It has been a very, long five years getting my undergraduate degree. It really should not have taken me this long to finish, but life happens and it is what it is. Wow, two cliches in one sentence, hm.

Anyway, I am so so excited to graduate and although I didn't plan on walking across stage, I am kind of looking forward to it now. Surprisingly, I have a good bit of my family coming to the ceremony. I honestly did not expect anyone besides Chris and Carrie to come, but it turns out just about everyone is coming and it surprisingly means a lot to me. I don't even understand that I feel so happy about it because my family is so dysfunctional and I've always kind of done my own thing, but I would be lying if I said I wasn't excited at the thought of everyone being there. The only person missing will be my mommom, and after a tearful phone call with her tonight, it definitely makes it ten times worse that she won't be there.

So, how do I adult now after college? I have basically been an adult my entire life, yet finishing college makes it feel even more official. I think it's because I now have this pressure over me that I will have this degree and loan debt hanging over my head, that I feel like I HAVE to get a job doing something in my field or putting myself into that debt will feel completely pointless. (Last week, it was brought to my attention that it was, in fact, time to pick a repayment plan for my loans. If that doesn't put things in perspective then I don't know what could). Don't get me wrong, I do want to do something in my field, but I have the added pressure of feeling like if I don't find something immediately, I will feel like a failure. I honestly have a decent paying job now, and I could potentially make a living from it. However, I definitely want to continue to pursue careers in my field because it is an area that I am passionate about. I just don't really know where to start.

The issue comes in when employers want experience, but nobody wants to give you the experience. The struggle is real. I am not above taking a lower paying job if it is in my career field; however, even those opportunities are slim and want a substantial amount of experience that I just do not have. My goal right now is to just continue to search and search for career opportunities. I chose my major because it gave me the flexibility to pursue a multitude of careers and I plan to utilize that.

I firmly believe that an education is something of value, even if it put me in a good bit of debt. So, although this has been me rambling about the fear of life after graduation, I am so ready and excited for what the future has in store. My college years have come to an end, and while it was not always perfect, or fun, I learned a lot about myself and what I want to do in life. I am confident that I have figured out what I'm passionate about, now I just have to make it happen.

Dieting sucks

Dieting is kind of difficult. No, dieting is extremely difficult. Counting macros and keeping track is not difficult. That's easy. I enjoy tracking and ensuring that I am eating for my goals. However, right now my goal is to lose some body fat. My calories have dropped a little bit so it makes it much more difficult to fit in some of my favorite snacks, like reese cups, chips, cookies, anything chocolate, ice cream, and pizza...just to name a few.

Yesterday, I bought this meal that was broccoli and chicken Alfredo and it had the BEST macros on it. I was super excited to get home from the grocery store and eat it. However, I very quickly learned why it had the best macros. There was like zero Alfredo sauce. I was disappointed for sure. Chris laughed at me when I hadn't even taken a bite yet and was getting out the scale to add another serving of regular Alfredo sauce. He reminded me that I have never actually dieted before. I have tracked and I have stuck to that, but I have never actually committed to a calorie deficit before in order to lose some body fat. As much as I hate to admit it, he was right. I was so quick to just add some more sauce without even trying the meal because I'm used to just fitting things in. But, when I am already in a calorie deficit, I need to be more mindful of what exactly I am fitting into my day. I tried the meal, and the verdict is: it sucked. It was plain and not at all what I wanted. But, I ate it and by the end of meal... I still thought it sucked. However, I was proud of myself for sticking to my goals. It was nutrient dense and gave me the macros I needed without going overboard. I chugged some water and then I moved on.

I woke up today and I felt good. My body felt good and leaner then I have in the past few weeks. Could I have added more Alfredo sauce to my meal yesterday? Sure. Was it necessary? No. I ended up meeting my macros perfectly yesterday which may have not happened had I added extra sauce that in reality I didn't need. Dieting doesn't have to be super difficult like I have been making it out to be. But, it is a diet. Even if I follow IIFYM, I am still in a calorie deficit. I am moving towards accepting this because as much as I love adding in my junk food, I also love reaching my goals. I guess I'll have to find a way to live with only one reese cup a day instead of more.

Man Crush Everyday

I have never done a Man Crush Monday post. I am not very active on social media and even if I was, I don't typically do posts like this. However, I can't help but feel so incredibly blessed everyday that I get to spend with my best friend.

Chris, you are my best friend and my entire world. I never thought I would be saying those words about somebody. I never knew I could feel this way. From the beginning we always had a connection. We instantly clicked and what I thought was a great friendship blossomed into something more than I ever imagined. You welcomed me into your life with no judgements and taught me the true meaning of happiness. You cared about me and made me feel like I finally fit somewhere. Thank you for always being my safe place, back then and still. You have been my shoulder to cry on, and the person who I laugh with. You are the person who I tell my corny jokes to, and although you give me blank stares when I say them, you always tell me them whenever you hear a new one because you know I love them. You remind me to take my vitamins everyday and you make sure I always have new coffee flavors to try. You remember everything I say, even when I accuse you of not listening to me, I know that you really are. I know this because you always prove me wrong by reciting everything I just said. Hand gestures and all.

You have taught me so much in the last few years. Like how to cook, even though I still serve you raw meat. Thank you for still trusting me to cook food for you. You have taught me to prioritize my health and to reach for goals that I didn't even know I had. Whenever I am feeling discouraged you remind me how far I have come and to snap out of it. You taught me that guacamole is the greatest food in the entire world and that chipotle doesn't taste like soap. You taught me that the single most important thing in life is my happiness. You taught me never to bet you when you say you are 99.9% sure that George Strait sings a song. You have taught me what unconditional love is and for that, I am forever grateful.

Thank you for dealing with the obscene amount of hair I lose on a daily basis. I know it's not fun or sanitary that you find my hair in your mouth or near your food. Thank you for giving me the very last scoop of your all time favorite pre workout that was pulled from the shelves forever. Thank you for making sure I always have guacamole in the house. Thank you for never judging me because of my family issues. Thank you for always filling my car up with gas and making sure my oil is changed. Past practice shows that I am not very good at car maintenance. Thank you for loving and trusting me enough to be such a prominent figure in Carrie's life. That means more than you could ever know. Thank you for taking care of me in every aspect. I love you with all of my heart.

Goal Setting

Today is a new month, AND, a Sunday. If that is not motivating to set some goals than I don't know what is. Maybe this is the coffee talking but I am feeling extra motivated to take care of business. I have a mile long to-do list today, filled with cleaning, laundry, and school work. It's also leg day which is exhausting enough, but it's a pleasant exhaustion. I have become accustomed to walking around with sore legs until about Wednesday.

I can stress myself out very easily. If I let myself, I will take feeling overwhelmed to the extreme. My way of dealing with stress and overwhelming feelings is to make lists. Tons and tons of lists. I have a list for everything. Being organized and having everything laid out in front of me at any given time makes me feel like I can get things done eventually. Even if it's one task at a time. I will literally write anything on my list. If it has to be done today or at some point, it is on a list. Who doesn't love a good list, anyway? Plus, since I do make a ton of lists I can justify having all of my nice notepads and planners! I recently ordered a notepad with Makenzie and Carrie's picture on it and it is seriously the cutest thing ever! I can see this becoming a problem in the near future, especially if shutter fly keeps sending me coupons. (Shutterfly, keep sending me coupons)

So, I was talking about goals, right?

Goals for this month:

• Wash my face EVERY. SINGLE. NIGHT. I have been taking advantage of my skin for waaay too long. I am very, very fortunate because I do have nice skin. I never really broke out or had more than the occasional blemish. However, for the past year (gasp!) I have been neglecting my poor skin and it was showing. So, lately I have been back to taking care of it and it has already improved! Moral of the story: Don't take anything for granted, even something as small as clear skin.
• Give my all for my last presentation of my college career. In three weeks I have my huge 90 minute presentation for my senior capstone class. This has been the most anticipated class since I was a freshman in college and in three weeks, it all comes to a head. I hate presentations. No, I completely loathe presentations. But, this is my last presentation, possibly forever, and it's a subject that I feel extremely passionate about so I am going to give every last ounce of effort I have towards this project. In a way, this may set the tone for the kind of work I do once I graduate in 46 days!!!! 
• Hit my macros for the entire month of November. I want to hit every single number perfectly and see what my body is capable of. 
• Go to all of the doctors that I haven neglecting to visit the past year. My health is something I prioritize very much, and I need to make sure I am getting the check ups that are required, not just visit the doctor when something is wrong. 

These are just a few of my goals I have for this specific months. Like all of my many lists, I have many goals for different aspects of my life. These goals are something that I can measure and reflect back on at the end of November to see how I have progressed through the month. 

Also, I would just like to share this picture because I had to bargain with them to even get a picture (insert rolling eyes emoji), they're lucky I liked this picture or else they wouldn't have gotten off so easily with just the one. 

Will power

I am in need of some serious will power. Halloween is in 3 days! I repeat 3 days!  That means there will be more than enough chocolate laying around the house to taunt me. Carrie is one of those rare kids who doesn't really eat candy or chocolate. Candy is not a problem for me to avoid, but chocolate will be my demise. So, if Carrie isn't eating the chocolate, what am I to do with all the unopened reese cups and snack size snickers that will be calling my name?

As I've talked about before, I follow IIFYM in terms of dieting. While I do not believe in complete restriction, I also know how important it is to meet certain macros in order to achieve the goals I have. Chocolate isn't really something that will help me achieve those goals.

In the past month or so, I have been trying to cut a little body fat. That part isn't so difficult because it comes down to calories in versus calories out. The difficulty comes in because I want to lose some body fat but I also want to keep getting stronger. I have big goals that I have worked so hard at and I would hate to see my hard work be diminished because I focused too much on losing. In order to achieve these goals, my diet has to be very specific. I need to make sure I keep protein numbers high while keeping calories a little lower, and carbs and fats a little lower than I had been in the past. Before I cut my calories back a little, a reese cup is something that was easily fit into my macros because I had a little extra wiggle room. Now, my diet is a little more strict. So, I have come up with a plan, which gave me an excuse to make a list (who doesn't love a good list?), that I will stick to during this difficult time in my life to resist the chocolate that will be ten inches away from me at any given time.

1. TRACK EVERYTHING- I know that tracking calories and logging foods isn't for everyone. However, for me, it works. And it works wonderfully. By tracking, I am much more conscious of what foods I am eating and where I am lacking for the day. Tracking in My Fitness Pal allows me to see if I am able to fit a kit kat in my day, or I could actually plan to have it in my day. I can put my macros in for the entire day, with the kit kat and know that I hit my macros the way I want to.

2. Make sure I am using the extra sugar to fuel my workouts- This is not the time to slack off and have low energy workouts. I enjoy fast paced workouts that keep my heart rate elevated during the workout anyway, so the extra sugar may be a nice boost in that aspect.

3. Don't skip out on cardio- Chris and I have been regularly doing cardio again. And I LOVE it. Running will always have my heart and the extra Halloween candy may be the extra motivation I need to keep it up!

4. Drink water- I aim for a gallon a day but if I'm being honest with myself, I don't get my full gallon everyday. Now is a perfect time to make it even more of a priority. Even though it always should be.

I am not saying that in order to indulge on some Halloween candy I have to take drastic measures. Because that is not what I will do. I follow IIFYM because if I want to have something like a butterfingers bar then I will simply fit it into my macros and still hit all of my macro numbers to ensure that I am still striving for my goals. This post is to remind myself that I can enjoy the chocolate that I love, without binging or feeling guilty.

With love of Chocolate,
Breana

Friday Favorites

I have seen Friday Favorites on almost every blog that I love and it's something I've been meaning to do.. but lets not talk about the list of things I've been meaning to do. That could take a while. 

Instead, I want to share some of my favorite things! Since this is my first time doing a post like this, this will be a general post of some of my favorite things. Eventually, I'd love to do this weekly and have a list of weekly favorite things!

1. Ocean City Trips! It was so nice to finally get a chance to spend a little more time away than just one day. It was a little chilly but we had fun. 

2. My nieces! And soon I will have a nephew to brag about :) 

3. When I am able to get Chris to smile in a picture! It doesn't happen often but when it does I feel accomplished! 

4. Netflix! I don't know how I ever lived my life without it. I was seriously missing out. I don't even know what I used to use to procrastinate with before Netflix, but I never want to go back. 

5. Fall weather! And of course, coffee! Coffee will always have my heart. 

Change isn't always so bad

I'm feeling inspired tonight. Actually, lately I've been feeling inspired. Life is not perfect, by any means, but I am very happy. A few years ago, this was not the case. I was stuck in a rut and I didn't know how to get out of it. I knew something wasn't right. I always had this sinking feeling that I just couldn't pinpoint. I was very lost.

I have changed a lot in the past two years. I eat beef, tuna fish, I can swallow a multi vitamin (although I do miss the delicious fruity chewable), and I am living the life I've always wanted, and being the person I've always wanted to be. Yet, at the same time, I am not much different at all. I still twirl my hair just as much, if not more, I still wear vanilla scented perfume, pink is still my favorite color, I am overly organized, and I still love with my whole heart.

I have made mistakes and I have hurt people who I cared about. I have been hurt, too, by those people. And one day, after a long time of denying those feelings, I finally said enough is enough. I needed to change the course of my life. I knew that the future I was allowing others to make for me, was not the future I wanted. I was terrified of the change that I knew I needed. Every day I would wake up feeling anxious because I knew it was time. Growth and change are an inevitable part of life.  It happens to everyone as they grow up. I figured out who I was and what I wanted out of life. I realized that the people I have surrounded myself with didn't see things the way I did anymore. Or maybe I didn't see things the way they did they anymore. So, after a long time coming, I said goodbye to things that weren't moving me forward. I moved on.

Moving on from everything I ever knew was one of the most difficult things I've ever done, but I knew I made the right decisions. I felt more at peace than I ever had, and I had wonderful things to look forward to. I am living my life with best friend and a beautiful little girl who makes me laugh everyday. I have my found my place in this world and it is a truly wonderful feeling.